I can't stand this. I honestly can't. She doesn't give a damn.
I think in the past 20 years (at least as far back as I can remember), my mother has never asked me how I'm doing. Ok, fine, she has asked me how I'm doing. Maybe four times. And each time I was either vitally ill or she wanted me to disclose something I was keeping from her.
It's just so fucking manipulative.
This morning at like 7 o'clock, when I wasn't fully awake yet, my mom stuck her head in my room and made a comment about needing her backpack from the car before I left. She's working from home today and needed a phone charger from the bag, but she wasn't supposed to start work until 7:30, so she had at LEAST a half an hour to run out to the car and get the friggin' bag herself. But no. She asked me to do it. So I said fine, I would. But I'm babysitting today and I didn't have to get here until 8:15am, and had no reason to be up at 7am, except that I set my alarm for early so that I could give a ride to my sister who had actually already left by the time I looked for her around 7:15am.
So what was I to do? Not awake and confused by why my sister wasn't home, I went to the bathroom, finished getting dressed, put a makeshift lunch together for today, and bolted out the door, completely forgetting the bag.
A few minutes ago, my mom called me on my cell phone even though I have facebook open on the computer in front of me, my mom knows that the cell service in this apartment sucks, and she messages me on facebook for other stupidity. The conversation was basically, me saying hi, what's up and her being all accusatory about me not bringing her bag in the house.
And then she used those words that just kick me in the stomach every time: "I'm really disappointed in you. You're so unreliable." And then she hung up. No "goodbye," no "I hope you have fun babysitting," no "I'll see you later, honey." She just hung up.
Telling me how unreliable I am has almost become her mantra, and makes me feel like crap. If she thinks I'm this unreliable, then why should I ever be reliable? I mean, what she says must be true, right? [that was sarcasm]
Two nights ago was my birthday. I share a birthday with my mom, and regardless of how much (or should I say little) money we actually have at the time, my mom always wants Chinese food for "special" dinners. I hadn't slept the night before, so when I got home from running errands and work, I nodded off on the couch and was so uncomfortable that I moved up to my room for some air conditioning and completely passed out. That was around 6ish. My family ordered Chinese for dinner that night around 8pm and nobody came to wake me because my mom thought that I should sleep.
My caring mother decided that I didn't need to be woken to join the family to celebrate my own fucking birthday.
As a child, I rely on my parents to be role models for the type of person I should be in life. As a child, I rely on my parents to always (or at least mostly) do the right thing and set a good example. After all, they're the people who raised me from infancy and taught me to think and feel the way I do. I rely on them for emotional support, and every time I remind myself of that, they go and do something so fucking crappy that I can't help but hate them a little more.
Children shouldn't hate their parents. But I think I hate mine.
And tonight is Yom Kippur. The day of Atonement. And I'm trying so fucking hard to apologize for my wrongs, seek forgiveness, and become a better person. But I can't.
I can't, because God doesn't give a damn.
And neither does my mom.
